Greys Green Medical Advice

man with rabbit

Greys Green itself is at the even richer end of delightfully rich Rotherfield Greys

There is currently no hotel but the structure pictured above could be a strong candidate

In summer, white-clad combatants compete in the age-old sport of peppering the road and neighbouring roofs with missiles  




Always something new here

Well, maybe tomorrow

Dr Ophelia Payne

– holistic therapist extraordinaire

Dr Ophelia studied flower-pressing and bird-watching at the University of Peppard (Red Lion campus). Although she did not graduate, she continued to pursue her interest in naked twitching during a brief stay in a mental health facility (which is now an executive residence near Borocourt but it is still believed to bear the stains of her dirty protests under the shag-pile). She then gained a PhD in Homeopathy and Crystal Therapy from the University of Caversham through distance learning.

Dr Ophelia specialises in:

1) Working with adults with mental and physical health problems (e.g. bad dress sense and fat ankles);
2) Children with learning and behavioural problems (e.g. fruit-shoot addiction and estuary accents);
3) Animals with learning and behavioural problems (e.g. barking at the moon and Granny goosing).

Dr Ophelia also runs a pet-swapping/dyeing service to ensure your pet always matches your outfit or home colour-scheme.

We look forward to regular contributions from Dr Ophelia, helping with readers' questions and providing an up-date on ways to spend your money on useless but reassuringly expensive treatments and general bullshit.

Coming up we have:

1) Hypnotherapy at home, a discreet system for the parvenu to get over the chip-on-the-shoulder syndrome, a normal condition for the self-made man/woman in Greys.
2) How to use everyday objects (Tiffany eggs, large gold nuggets, blood diamonds etc.) to make your own utensils for strengthening your pelvic floor. Free ping-pong ball with every issue.
3) How to make your otherwise talentless child appear vaguely intelligent. A system for working the system for school entry or obtaining an elitist learning difficulty label if there's a chance they won't pass the exams.
4) Crystal therapy to cure cellulite. Banish the hideous orange-peel effect for good or for God's sake cover yourself up.

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